you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
