And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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