Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
