I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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