I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
