Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I just had sex on a roof
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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