Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
