can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
