I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
