how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
