Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Rumble strips road head = magical
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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