You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
