I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
