the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
