areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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