weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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