you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
