I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
