How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize