I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
