So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
