whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
