oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
