Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
