Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
