I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
