How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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