I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
