My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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