but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
