Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
