I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
