after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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