I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
