he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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