NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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