Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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