wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
