Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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