I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
