I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
