in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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