Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
