You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
