i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Everclear isn't food dammit
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize