Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
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