I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
