My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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