apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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