Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
