I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
