So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
