i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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