I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
