I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
