I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
